TV: American Gladiators

I think I've just watched one of the best episodes of Gladiators ever - and it was the American version! 

I suppose it's an obvious statement, but we all know that Americans are born ready for the razzmatazz of TV and showbiz, and therefore the show's format is ideal for them, but what makes the extra difference between the two nations is...wait for it... the women. Yes, I hate to give the Yanks credit for anything, but their ladies generally seem to be much harder/fitter/more driven (in the way only Americans are) than the female contestants over here are, making the competition much more interesting to watch. So when you then compare it to the English version, the ladies section seems to be something that you tolerate until the men compete again.

It's funny, in a way, that people in Britain always talk about our programme formats working over there, but this is an example of how maybe sometimes it's the other way round.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think i'll be watching the American version in future.

Ad rant: Sarah Jessica Parker perfume

It's Christmas once again and what a perfect time to resurrect some old ads...especially old perfume ones.

And speaking of resurrecting the old, I couldn't help but notice how old Sarah Jessica Parker looks in her ad! 

Now obviously it's her fragrance, and therefore you can't avoid having her, or some reference

to her, in the ad, but why not use a bit of soft-focus eh - she's no spring chicken after all.

Anyway, the only thing I think of when I see this ad is incontinence pads? Maybe it should be

an ad for Tena Lady? 

I just hope for SJP's sake the perfume itself doesn't smell like piss.

TV: Watchdog - PUNNED TO DEATH

Christ almighty, will someone please tell the team at Watchdog to go easy on the puns! Monday's show reached an almost unbearable level of pun-ishment (oops, sorry), with over 5 puns per report. Now I understand that some serious subjects need to be presented with a little bit of Pathos to lighten the mood, but this was ridiculous. There really is no need for it, and to be honest, the humour seems to devalue the seriousness the of the material they are presenting. Whoever edits the programme should realise that the general public can find a subject interesting, without presenting it like an article in The Sun.

TV: American elections

Is it just me, or has Yoda been writing copy for the Obama campaign?

Every time I see Barack pictured at one of his rallies, he is surrounded by signs that read,

"Change we need." Now I see why this has been done, but it doesn't work. And all you need to add 

to the end of this is a "hmmmm" and you've got something straight from the Jedi master's mouth.

Anyway, it looks like Obama may have the force with him as he's surely due to triumph over the evil sith warlord John McCain. And about time to I say. This election seems to have been running forever. I'm just hoping it won't turn into a trilogy.

Ad rant: Argos

Now, resurrecting an early 90's dance classic is all well and good, but this is just jumping on the Drench band-wagon. And more importantly, what they've forgotten to emulate from the Drench ad is the most important part - the good idea!

It's sad really, as it means 'U can't touch this' will now be too 'played-out' for anyone to use on a decent idea - in fact I'm already getting tired of writing the title!

So where does that leave us? 

Well as long as it's a good idea, I think the real coup would be to use 'Injected with a Poison' by Praga Khan. A rave classic par excellence. 

Ad rant: Virgin Media - Catch-up TV

I am thoroughly sick and tired of this ad! It really is awful.

Every time it appears at the cinema, the audience groan, and in the words of Chris Rock, "that ain't right!"

I mean, why Mick Hucknall? 

Why the crappy style of CGi?

Is this something to do with the seriously unfunny animated series 'Headcases?' I really hope not.

Everytime I here the Matron figure say "Hey, Mick, Dude" I just cringe.

You know it actually makes me a bit paranoid because I can't help but think "am I missing something here?"

Is this sooooo funny that it's slipped under my humour radar?

Luckily sense prevails and I realise, NO, THIS IS JUST SHIT.

Ad rant: Big Brother - Virgin Mobile Idents

Normally I find brand sponsor idents dull or at the most a little cringey in their attempt to be funny or bizarre, but for the first time in a long while I've actually found these Virgin Mobile idents to be quite funny. Okay, there are a few that seem a bit clanky in their conception, but on the whole they seem to be generally well written and therefore quite humorous.

Well done to the team/copywriter who managed to create some positive thinking about a brand that wouldn't be my first choice of Mobile phone supplier.

MUSIC: Duffy - Warwick Avenue

Does anyone remember that tune "I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus..."?

Well that's what I've been singing (or the rude version at least) to this tune .

Ad rant: Subway - Eat fresh

Does anyone get these ads? What's up with the Black Olives? Is it that no one likes them, rather like the McDonalds Gherkins? Anyway, who cares, this is a good example of how ads that don't make sense just become annoying. And I'm sure that if I (can be bothered) to find out what it's about, it won't make me feel any more interested in the brand than I was before.

And 'Eat Fresh', I see what they're trying to do with this strategy, but it's bloody boring and has that feeling that it's been written in a foreign language then translated.

I think 'Eat Depressed' would be more fun.

Ad rant: Coors light 'Hear me now' Spot

Two white guys rapping in fake Jamaican accents? Er, hello, but has the furore over the Trident Gum Ads been forgotten already? Whoever wrote this Ad must have had their head where the sun doesn't shine for the last couple of years. Crikey! And if producing an Ad that's going to be accused of being racist isn't bad enough, there seems to be no real idea behind it, the rap's not well written and it's not even funny - it just made me cringe! 

Surely as soon as someone says "yeah, let's write a rap for an ad" you know the chances of them producing something good are very slim. So come on Ad folks, lets leave rapping to the rappers and get back to creating something that's really worth watching.

TV: Lost -The answers are here

Er, no, they weren't.

In fact, the programme contained no bloody answers at all! 

Do I feel cheated? Yes, and annoyed because I stupidly stayed up to watch it.

Ad: Johnnie Walker 'Human' spot

Genius.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmbgHD8L4zc&feature=relate

WEB: Flight of the Conchords

Check this out

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BLJ5a6aJOb8

Ad Rant: U-Switch

Good God, the misery known as 'the U-Switch ads' continues.

 

All singing, all dancing, all bloody annoying!

And they're not the only guilty party, McCain and of course (how could we forget) Halifax, 

are equally responsible. 

It doesn't matter how they're sung, whether it's Gospel, Broadway Musical, whatever, 

the message is that these musical style ads never produce anything but irritating dross.

Hopefully Clients will wise up and realise that picking a creative route which associates their brand with something that's fucking irritating is the wrong route to take.

Ad Rant: AQUAFRESH - Amazing(ly bad)

"You've found it...it's your mouth...and you've got a lot to look forward to!"

Christ, I can't help but cringe whenever I hear it. It must be the most bizarre beginning to an ad I've ever heard! And who writes this sort of stuff anyway? What a load of baloney!

I can see what they're trying to do with this strategy, but it doesn't quite hit the mark, and even if they change the execution, I can't see it getting any better.

Let's just hope the whole campaign gets canned asap.

TV: Look good Knockers!

After his cringe-worthy "Banger" groping antics reached an all time high last week, Gok Wan was on TV last night interviewing the cast of the Sex and the City movie, asking each member of the cast for a snog! 

Surely this is more proof that his thin veil of fake homosexuality is finally slipping?

TV: Street Doctor

Spotted - Yvette Fielding's midget sister on Street Doctor.

See if you can spot her amongst the blood and pus!

Ad Rant: Olay, Olay, Olay, Olay

Those Penta-bleedin'-peptides lovers strike again, but this time, 

along with a new blond expert, we've got;

"...the World Congress of Dermatology..." ????

Pull the other one Luv! 

Surely they can't expect us to believe that this really exists?

It sounds like something out of  an Austin Powers movie!

I just hope the people who commission  these ads wise up one day 

and realise that no-one falls for or enjoys these bs ads. 

Ad Rant: Lloyd Grossman Sauces

"Lloyd Grossman. Sauces with a distinctive voice"  

I saw it coming, but it's a great line, and I couldn't help but smile.

It's about time someone created an ad that takes the piss out of his strange voice. After all, it's surely the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Lloyd Grossman.

And I especially liked the "whoooooole chillies" line. Great.

TV: The Apprentice - Carol Thatcher

Is it me or is Carol Thatcher slowly turning into Sir Jimmy Saville?

Ad rant: Cadbury's 'Trucks'

I've just seen the latest Cadbury 'Trucks' ad back-to-back against the latest mini Babybel ad, and I have to say that the less highly polished Babybel ad came out on top. Ok, so the idea of a small product being made by small people seems vaguely familiar, but at least it made me laugh.

Whereas 'Trucks' left me feeling cold. The only reaction I had was that of disappointment. Never mind the hype, I just couldn't emotionally engage with it. It felt like something was missing.

 

'Gorilla', however, worked for me because it had that classic 'creative twist' (in this case it's a gorilla playing the drums) that everyone in advertising used to talk about. But it's this sort of twist that 'Trucks' lacks, and as a result we're left with an idea which in comparison actually seems quite normal. Something I'd never thought I'd say about an ad showing baggage handlers having a race on an airport runway!

FOOD: Chicken on a stick

Oh my god. You really haven't lived until you've tried Chicken on a stick - It's a taste sensation!

I bought one yesterday from a BP petrol station on the way back from London, basically because I was desperate to have something that wasn't crisps (and believe me, when you're wheat intolerant there's not much else).  So when I spotted the 'Chicken on a stick' a glimmer of hope flashed across my brain. 

Now as with all junk food, I was a bit cautious at first, thinking, "there's no way this is gonna actually gonna be like chicken", but when I saw that it had no wheat in it I thought, fuck it, why not try it? And I was totally suprised that when I took a bite, it actually felt and looked like chicken, AND it tasted bloody lovely!

There are a couple of other flavours, so all those of you who can't eat anything without it being super spicy won't miss out, but I would urge all meat lovers to try this as you don't know what you're missing, seriously, all meat should taste like chicken on a stick...

NEWS: Britain says goodbye to Landrover & Jaguar...

...or should that be "tata!" (fnarr, fnarr)

TV: S.O.S (Save Our Suggs)

Will somebody please, please, please liberate our beloved Madness frontman SUGGS from appearing in any more ads that use "Our House".

It puzzles me as to what comes first; the idea to use him or the idea to use the song?

Whatever!

Maybe if they used "Embarrassment" it would be more fitting.

Ad rant: Flake advert

Now I know I'm a little late commenting on this one, but up until this ad was aired, I actually liked Joss Stone as a singer. Despite what people said about her fake American accent, and the many faux pas she's made on radio and on stage -  I actually thought she was pretty talented.

But when I heard her sing acapella on this ad, it suddenly dawned on me how fake her voice sounded. She sounded like the sort of person that X-factor judge Simon Cowell would accuse of doing an impression of singing. 

Funny how TV ads can change people's perceptions - sometimes for the worse.

MUSIC: Kylie - WOW

The first time I heard Kylie's latest track, WOW,  I couldn't help change the lyrics, "every inch of you spells out desire..." to "every inch of you spells out diahorrea."

I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

TV: Newsreader Allison Nice

Great surname. Should've been a presenter on The Fastshow's Jazz club.

TV: Gavin & Stacey

I keep seeing the trailer for this Sitcom, and despite loads of hype, it just doesn't make me laugh. However, I saw the fat bloke who co-writes it on 'Something for the weekend' and thought he was hilarious! Shame he can't transfer that to the show.

NEWS: Police investigating Basil Brush

Basil Brush is being investigated over an alleged racist joke on his show.

At least this now gives us some hint to who the man is with his hand up the puppets arse - It must be Jim Davidson!  HA HA HA HA HA Haaaaaaaaaaa Boom Boom! (Said in fake Jamaican accent.)

Campaign: letter to the editor - FLASH

Once again, I've had the joy of watching the current 'Flash with added Flash guard' ad.

And I'm not sure what's worse?

Could it be the casting of the most unbelievable father and son partnership that TVs ever seen?

I mean let's face it, does anyone believe that any father and son do the cleaning together, or that any father and son sit down to watch a football match then at half-time say "ooh, let's do the cleaning."

Or could it be the fact that a creative crow bar has been used to include one of the most hackneyed lines in the world, "They think it's all over..."  (I wish it was!)

Or could it be Hong Kong Phooey??? (Sorry, you never know.)

In the end I just wish there was a Flash guard against bad ads!

T-Shirt design: JUST SAY YES

What d'ya think folks?

TV: Skins

God I love Skins, but bloody hell it makes me feel old. 

Rip-off Britain: DVDs

Here's something I don't understand; Films released on DVD still being priced at £15!

I mean who are these retailers targeting?

Who is it that says to themselves, "ooh, there's a film coming out that's meant to be good, but I won't go to the cinema, I'll buy it as soon as it comes out - never mind if it's shit, I don't mind wasting £15"

Don't most people see a film somewhere first, either at the cinema or by renting, then say "I liked that film. I'd like to own a copy just in case I want to watch it again..." So surely having paid out to watch it the first time, they don't want to pay over twice that initial payment to then own it.

Maybe it's to make up for the money lost from piracy - I don't know, but surely they'll sell more if they just drop the price straight away. I know I'd definitely prefer to have an official copy of a film rather than a pirate copy.

Operation Stack -OPERATION CACK!

I'd just like to say a big 'thank you very little' to the French bastards who've created the need for operation CACK and created misery for almost everyone living/driving in Kent.

I mean, if it's not French sailors (or semen as I like to call them), then it's the bloody farmers!

I don't know about anyone else, but surely there must be a way of getting back at them

Hey, isn't it time we had another war with the fuckers anyway!?

Film: Vantage Point

A Good film. The only disad-Vantage Point is the 6 plus flashback scenes, which are used as a device to unravel the plot from the point of the main characters. It was this, that by the beginning of the fifth flashback (where the on screen clock resets itself to 12:00pm), had the cinema audience groaning with frustration. I even think I heard someone behind me exclaim, "not again!" 

Thinking about it, that might be the first time I've been to see a film that triggered such a response in its audience.

Not something that was planned I'm sure.

However, despite that initial reaction, you watch on intently as all the pieces of the story neatly come together with a few twists and turns thrown in for good measure. And dare I say it, there's a pretty hair-raising car chase at the end.

My verdict; Probably worth the million pounds we paid to see it at the cinema. 

TV: Shameless

"Make poverty history - cheaper drugs now!"

Frank from shameless. Brilliant. Can't help but think there's a few ads to be made from some of the stuff he spouts.

TV: Ashes to Ashes...

...once again topped the profanisaurus charts last night. The beginning of the episode was filled with more euphemisms for anal sex, and being gay than you can shake a shitty stick at. Fantastic!

But it didn't stop there, as the rest of the show turned into a real potty mouthed affair, with all cast members getting involved (even Alex mentioned "sucking cock"). But despite this, top prize must go to Gene Hunt once again for the line "Get a waft of that man stink. See if that doesn't moisten your gusset!"

Geeeeeenius!

Teddy Bear tramps are the worst. Always pissed and abusive.

"Hello, customer services..."

The deviousness of the old and infirm reached new levels recently, when on a trip to Cornwall, I stopped at Asda to find an old woman at one of the tills trying to return a thick, pink cardigan claiming that "after only one wash" it had got "all bobbly bit's on it." She said she wasn't exactly sure when she bought it, but it was definitely a couple of months before christmas.

The staff typed in the product number but couldn't find any reference to the garment.

The woman persisted with her story and eventually the staff gave in, and let her exchange it for something else!

It turned out that the reason they couldn't find a reference was because the cardigan was from a range of clothing that was OVER 2 YEARS OLD.

Campaign: Previous letters to the editor - ALL-BRAN

They're tasty, tasty..." but unfortunately the Ad isn't.

Surely desperation has struck when a brand needs to resurrect an old 80's jingle and apply it to their latest offering.

Now don't get me wrong, I loved 80's advertising and I'm sure most of us, young or old, can remember a jingle or two. However, when you place a jingle that sounds like it's been sung by the employees of your local 'Kwik-fit', on top of an ad that's targeted at your grandma, it stands out like a sore thumb. Which I'm sure is the least of the problems of whoever is responsible for using the giant crowbar which joined ad and jingle together.

All I can say is that someone at All-bran can't be using their own product as this ad is truly the result of constipated thinking.

Campaign: Previous letters to the editor - SPECSAVERS

Can this be?

Did I just laugh at a Specsavers ad - because it was actually funny???

Yes, it's true. It was the ad where an old sheep farmer mistakenly shears his sheepdog.

Apologies to any of you animal lovers out there, but when I saw the unnaturally short haired and sheepish (groan) looking sheepdog, and heard the "Should've gone to Specsavers" punchline, I found it hard not to laugh.

A good example of a simple idea well executed - brilliant.

So well done to the team who've finally got through an ad for Specsavers that (a) actually makes sense, (b) sits well with the "Should've gone to Specsavers" line and (c) is actually funny!

And dare I say it, could this Specsavers ad actually be nominated for pick of the week?

Judging what's out there at the moment, I don't see why not.

Campaign: Previous letters to the editor - EGG.COM

Congratulations to egg.com

Not only have they cut 161,000 credit card customers, but they've also cut the creativity from their ads! admittedly, the Gerbils/Hamsters concept was looking a little tired, but at least it was better than an Ad that looks like the low-end budget/concept that you'd expect from a credit card company!

Nice work all round (ish) egg!